Goofy Things the Author Has Done
One day while teaching, I jumped on an old bathroom scale that had been shown to be quite unreliable. I expected the lousy scale to disintegrate in front of my 120 students, thus producing a smile or two. My whole class erupted in loud laughter when the scale did not break apart but instead crashed through a hole in the table on which it was sitting. I followed the scale right through the hole!!!
On Halloween in 1999, I attached a black cape to my neck, put a tall pointed witch's hat on my head, and rode through my neighborhood on a bicycle. The little kids were momentarily terrified!!!
For my New Year's Resolution one year, I decided not to read the sports page in the newspaper, not to watch sporting events on TV, and not to listen to anything sports-related on the radio. Despite the fact that almost all my family and friends thought that I had lost my mind, I kept this resolution all year long . . . and continued it for another full year!
Lots of other people collect things too. Coins, stamps, dolls, rare books . . . these are just some of the common things that normal people collect. My collection, however, is not so common. That's because I collect words. Not just any words. Verbs!!! I get all of my verbs from newspapers, and I think I have the most extensive verb collection in the world!!!
I have been responsible for two car accidents in my driveway at home. One of these cars was "totaled." However, no other cars were involved in these accidents . . . and no human being (or any other living thing) was inside either of these cars at the time of the accidents!
In June of 1983, I was hit by a moving car as I walked across a street on my university's campus. On the tenth anniversary of this near-death experience, I set up a decorated table on the sidewalk next to the spot of the accident and gave away free drinks and food to anyone who walked by. My wife considered this "celebration" to be so incredibly goofy that she called a TV station and told them of my plans. A guy with a TV camera showed up, took some pictures, and then grabbed a snack off my table. On the local news that night, there was a short piece at the end of the broadcast about my goofy celebration. The TV anchorman, after seeing the 20-second film that was aired, shook his head and said, "There sure are some unusual professors over at the university!"
During one 12-month period, I put 36 different "greeting" messages on my home answering machine. Callers heard a variety of puzzles, poems, and playful satire on holidays (such as St. Patrick's Day and Thanksgiving), on sporting events (such as the Kentucky Derby and the World Series), and on my family and me. One of my favorite greetings--a spoof on the Super Bowl--contained these sentences read very quickly:
It's sort of supernatural and I may sound superficial and superstitious, even supercilious with a giant superstar superego, but our superintendent (who's on the superhighway searching for superbright superglue at the supermarket) may call and ask me to dress as Superman and then supervise the upcoming super-duper Super Bowl. Your message, however, will SUPERSEDE that one!
Copyright © 2012
Schuyler W. Huck